My Never Ending Story

"They Look Like Big, Strong Hands.... Don't They?"

For the last few months, I have felt a certain kinship to the Rock Biter introduced to us in the movie "The Neverending Story". 

While his whole world was being torn apart and erased by The Nothing, the Rock Biter tried in vain to hang on to those he loved the most only to have them ripped right out of his big, strong hands. This left him immobile and unable to even function. He decided to just sit and wait for The Nothing to just come and take him away too.

I know exactly how that feels.

In my current situations the question often comes to my mind "What am I going to do??", to which I have the same answer every time... "I don't know.".  It isn't as if I haven't prayed about all that is going on. But, I certainly have not been given any answers.  Honestly, I have no idea what to do. Everything I have tried has led to failure and rejection. And so I do nothing.  Which only adds to my anxiety because there are things (The Nothing) looming on the horizon and it just keeps getting closer and closer while my situations remain unchanged.

The old Christian Cliche's aren't helping me much at this point.

"Just keep praying, Carrie." - Like I haven't been? Every second, every thought?

"Everything will work out, don't worry." - Umm.. yeah, well, that is easy to say when you have a home, a job, a husband, a working vehicle, etc.

"Just give it all to God, Carrie." - Trust me, I've given it to Him. I've gift wrapped it, tied it with a bow, thrown it in a sack at his feet and BEGGED Him to just please do SOMETHING with it all.

"Remember, Carrie.. All things work out for the good..." - OK, well, right now I can count 'the good' that has happened in my life on my two hands. And even that is stretching it.

"Something GREAT is bound to happen, Carrie." - Now this is something that I've been saying to myself and my kids for my entire life... and guess what? Hasn't happened yet. We're all sick of my saying it.

"Just have faith, Carrie." - God knows I'm trying.. but how come He doesn't act when He knows that I'm losing it a little more every day?

As I re-read what I've written I realize that I have just given fuel to the flames of the people who have been telling me that I am such a bad excuse for a Christian.  But, you know what? THAT is why I have this blog. Because by exposing my already raw, dark and bleeding heart I am showing what a REAL person, a REAL Christian goes through in REAL life.

(another post on this topic later)

I don't know why I have to go through what I am going through right now. I try and tell myself that it is to help others through similar situations, but Lord, right now I think I've got enough experience to help a multitude of people and I would really like to not add any more experiences to my list of 'helper qualifications'.

I know that this post is a bit on the rambling side. My mind just cannot work right now in a calm, organized way and to my readers, I apologise.

The bottom line is that I still don't have any idea what to do and so I will continue to do nothing but wait.  My hands are not big or strong enough to hold my life together and so I will continue to put it all in HIS hands, whether I feel that is working or not. It's all I CAN do.

This post is linked to the Family In Faith Blog Hop.