Family In Faith Friday Blog Hop

 My previous post, My Never Ending Story, has been linked to the new Family In Faith Blog Hop. Head on over by clicking the button above to join in! 

My Never Ending Story

"They Look Like Big, Strong Hands.... Don't They?"

For the last few months, I have felt a certain kinship to the Rock Biter introduced to us in the movie "The Neverending Story". 

While his whole world was being torn apart and erased by The Nothing, the Rock Biter tried in vain to hang on to those he loved the most only to have them ripped right out of his big, strong hands. This left him immobile and unable to even function. He decided to just sit and wait for The Nothing to just come and take him away too.

I know exactly how that feels.

In my current situations the question often comes to my mind "What am I going to do??", to which I have the same answer every time... "I don't know.".  It isn't as if I haven't prayed about all that is going on. But, I certainly have not been given any answers.  Honestly, I have no idea what to do. Everything I have tried has led to failure and rejection. And so I do nothing.  Which only adds to my anxiety because there are things (The Nothing) looming on the horizon and it just keeps getting closer and closer while my situations remain unchanged.

The old Christian Cliche's aren't helping me much at this point.

"Just keep praying, Carrie." - Like I haven't been? Every second, every thought?

"Everything will work out, don't worry." - Umm.. yeah, well, that is easy to say when you have a home, a job, a husband, a working vehicle, etc.

"Just give it all to God, Carrie." - Trust me, I've given it to Him. I've gift wrapped it, tied it with a bow, thrown it in a sack at his feet and BEGGED Him to just please do SOMETHING with it all.

"Remember, Carrie.. All things work out for the good..." - OK, well, right now I can count 'the good' that has happened in my life on my two hands. And even that is stretching it.

"Something GREAT is bound to happen, Carrie." - Now this is something that I've been saying to myself and my kids for my entire life... and guess what? Hasn't happened yet. We're all sick of my saying it.

"Just have faith, Carrie." - God knows I'm trying.. but how come He doesn't act when He knows that I'm losing it a little more every day?

As I re-read what I've written I realize that I have just given fuel to the flames of the people who have been telling me that I am such a bad excuse for a Christian.  But, you know what? THAT is why I have this blog. Because by exposing my already raw, dark and bleeding heart I am showing what a REAL person, a REAL Christian goes through in REAL life.

(another post on this topic later)

I don't know why I have to go through what I am going through right now. I try and tell myself that it is to help others through similar situations, but Lord, right now I think I've got enough experience to help a multitude of people and I would really like to not add any more experiences to my list of 'helper qualifications'.

I know that this post is a bit on the rambling side. My mind just cannot work right now in a calm, organized way and to my readers, I apologise.

The bottom line is that I still don't have any idea what to do and so I will continue to do nothing but wait.  My hands are not big or strong enough to hold my life together and so I will continue to put it all in HIS hands, whether I feel that is working or not. It's all I CAN do.

This post is linked to the Family In Faith Blog Hop.

Ok, I give up....

Well, I give up. It seems that now that JT is working and doesn't need me to support him anymore he has gone and hooked up with a woman at work and has decided that he needs more friends and fun times.

I just give up.

Fixing Your Heart On Titus 2: Project 4

This week’s project is:

to share your words with someone as an encouragement. Send a card to someone. Write a letter. Send a quick e-mail sharing your gratitude. Call someone just to say, “Hi.”
This week, be intentional each day and choose to lift up a woman in your life (daughter, sister, mother, friend, neighbor, etc…).

This is something that I try to do every day. I always have. Especially working with the public, as I have most of my life, it is amazing how someone whose face is covered in worry and frowns will light up with just a small word of recognition or encouragement.

I think a lot of us feel very unappreciated sometimes. We lead very busy lives and as women we do so much for other people. Many times it is without much recognition or reward. We just do it out of love.

It's easy to get burnt out. But with a small "Wow, that was very nice of you" or "You look nice today" or "I know that you are working very hard, keep up the good work!" or even a "Thank You", you can lift someones spirits and encourage them to keep on keeping on.

God's Love Is My Strength

Exodus 15:13
"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.
In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.

Psalms 6:4
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalms 13:5
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

Psalms 21:7
For the king trusts in the LORD;
through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.

Psalms 31:16
Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

Psalms 32:10
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.

Psalms 33:5
The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.

Psalms 33:18
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

Psalms 33:22
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

Psalms 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalms 44:26
Rise up and help us; redeem us because of your unfailing love.

Psalms 48:9
Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.

Psalms 51:1
Psalm 51 For the director of music. A psalm of David.
When the prophet Nathan came to him
after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

Psalms 52:8
But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever.

Psalms 77:8
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

Psalms 85:7
Show us your unfailing love, O LORD,
and grant us your salvation.

Psalms 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalms 107:8
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men,

Psalms 107:15
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men,

Psalms 107:21
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.

Psalms 107:31
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.

Psalms 119:41
May your unfailing love come to me, O LORD,
your salvation according to your promise;

Psalms 119:76
May your unfailing love be my comfort,
according to your promise to your servant.

Psalms 130:7
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.

Psalms 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Psalms 143:12
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

Psalms 147:11
the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Proverbs 19:22
What a man desires is unfailing love;
better to be poor than a liar.

Proverbs 20:6
Many a man claims to have unfailing love,
but a faithful man who can find?

Isaiah 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Lamentations 3:32
Though he brings grief,
he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

Hosea 10:12
Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes and showers righteousness on you.

Fixing Your Heart On Titus 2: Project 3

This week's project is Praying For Our Children

“Prayer is the greatest weapon we hold in our hands as we mother our children. It is the greatest secret for successful mothering.” Nancy Campbell

Monday: That they will know Christ early in life (Psalm 63:1; 2 Timothy 3:15)
Tuesday: That they will respect those in authority over them (Romans 13:1)
Wednesday: That they will desire the right kind of friends (Proverbs 1:10; 13:20)
Thursday:  That they will be protected from the evil one in each area of their lives – spiritual, emotional, and physical (John 17:15; 1 Thessalonians 5:23)
Friday: That they, as well as those they marry, will be kept pure until marriage (1 Corinthians 6:14-17)
Saturday: That they will learn to totally submit to God and resist Satan (James 4:7)
Sunday: That they will be single-hearted, willing to be sold out to Jesus Christ (Romans 12:1-2)

Thankful For Tears?

We should be thankful for our tears: They prepare us for a clearer vision of God.
- William A. Ward

If this is the case, then by the time I'm through I should have PERFECT vision.  I don't know why I am feeling so horrible today. 

I told my bosses today that I would need to go down to part time. The Assistant ED was sympathetic and wanted to try and figure out a way to find childcare in order to keep my FT status.  However, as expected, my ED was more than happy to quickly let me know that she would be looking for my replacement.

I know that the reduction in hours is really what is needed, however, I was a little wounded by the enthusiasm that was felt by my ED to find a replacement. *shrugs*

I am feeling very rejected and unwanted. Between JT and the job thing, I guess it's just really catching up with me and I'm having a very hard time staying joyful in the midst of this trial. I know that there is something good in the works. But, I still feel the pain.

A struggle. Determined not to be depressed. Maintain my joy. Hold on to Hope. Do not be discouraged.

Feelings are very powerful. Emotions try to just completely take over your thoughts and actions.  I am struggling with this tonight.  I hope it ends quickly.

I try to be positive and encouraging in my posts, but yet, I must also be transparent because we all have these struggles and life is NOT always a big happy joy joy dance party. And right now I am feeling pretty crushed.

I'm So Joyful I Could Rip My Own Hair Out!

 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
James 1:2-3

Today was a Trial.  I write that with a capital T. A capital T Trial.  Yep, that's what it was.

Not of the same sort that I've been going through with my relationship.  But, another kind, regarding work and I was completely blindsided again.

I know my job.  I am good at my job.  I have increased sales at my job over $2000 per month since I have worked there. I have broken records, been complimented by 99% of the customers who come there and gained back old customers who had not shopped there because of one reason or other for years.

I've also been written up more times than I ever have in my entire working history since I have worked there.  Actually, in the last four months. Ever since we got a new Executive Director.

Today I recieved my Final Written Notice.  Joy, Joy, JOY! 
It was only God Himself who sealed my mouth shut as I was informed of all the ways I was inadequate.  Of all the ways in which I did everything wrong. Even when I was told to do these things by the ED herself and I did them, it was wrong. Things I had worked very hard on and accomplished great results with... I was wrong.  Even things that I had nothing to do with... they were my fault too.  Even someone else's laziness and ineptness.. yep, you guessed it... my fault. 

They have given me until Feb. 1st to 'shape up' or I will be forced to go part time.  Little do they know, I have no babysitter now and need to go part time immediately.  I just was too stunned today to tell them.

The things I wanted to say to that woman.  I wanted to just walk out.  But, I was held firmly in my place and silent.  I did manage to say two things.  "I understand" and "I made the mistake of letting someone work upstairs and didn't go inspect when they said they had done what they were supposed to do.  I take full responsability." 

I saved that person's ass.  But, mine is in a sling.  I'm so Joyful! JOY-FULL !!!

Now, please understand that I am not exactly being sarcastic.  Exactly.  God and I had a very long venting session today as I was given the day to clean up 'my mess' with the store closed down.  Mainly I was venting and He was soothing. 

And God.. He understands my sarcasm.  HE Himself has used it on occasion.  I was just reading about Moses leading everyone out of Egypt and how God sent them food every day.  They got sick of eating only one type of food and started whining for meat.  And what did God do? He said "You want MEAT? I'll give you MEAT! You'll be so sick of MEAT it'll be coming out your EYEBALLS!  You will never want MEAT again when I'm through with you!" And He sent them so many pheasants they could practically swim through them! And made them eat them. ROFL! I LOVE GOD!

ANYWAY, God kept bringing things to mind, as He always does if we listen hard enough.  First off, He is re-arranging my life. What made me think that wouldn't involve my working situation.  Because 1) He is teaching me to rely on and trust Him. I know that.  and 2) I have been praying for Him to open up a way for me to stay home with my children but still manage financially.

Okay.... so maybe He has a plan here after all.  Because I know I did not deserve that write-up or any of the other ones I have received in the last four months.  Before they just made me angry.  This one did too, but it also made me think.

And then the Joy started to come.  And the Joy of the Lord is my Strength.  So, I did not lose it.  I just spent the day deep cleaning the store and talking/venting/listening to the Lord.  And even though I have been hit very hard this week, I still have peace. 

Could it be that I am growing in faith and perseverence? Yes, I am. Because I know the old me would have totally freaked out. Been wounded much more than I am at the moment and possibly plunged into depression.

As I look back on this morning, I remember God whispering in my spirit while the ED was reaming me out, "Why are you so surprised?  I told you that trials would come.  You KNOW that this is a war.  You KNOW that the devil wants you. Did you think he would give up without a fight? Did you think he would not use everyone he has at his disposal? Lean on Me and WE will work this out for your good."

Okee-Dokie, God.  You got it.

What types of trials are you going through right now that you need to look at a little differently in order to count them all joy?

 

Begining Again

I get the SF Daily Devotional in my email box every day. Today's was about new beginnings, which, given my present circumstances, is perfect for me. You can read it HERE.

The Scripture Of The Day is "Behold I do a new thing. Now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” - Isaiah 43:19

Sharon Frame wrote today's devotional and she asks a thought provoking question:

What is it that you insist on holding on to that God has instructed you to let go? Is it a destructive relationship? a bad habit? No amount of prayer or fasting will make it good. God says release it. It stands in the way of your new beginning

For me, this has been my relationship with a man with whom I was unequally yoked. 

For the entire almost two year relationship, it has been rocky.  There were many, many signs that he was not honest and made a habit of deceiving me.  I always forgave him and kept hoping and expecting him to change. As time went on, I realised that we had completely opposite outlooks on life, God, activities, etc.  And yet, we still stayed together.

Did we love each other?  I guess he does in his own way, but it was not the way I should be loved.  It was in a worldly way, the way an unbeliever loves someone.  A selfish way.  Do I love him?  I guess, yes I do, still.  I have always been one to see the potential in someone and focus on their good qualities.  However, that has also often made me blind to their real qualities.  I just chose to push them to the side and not dwell on them too much unless they get right up in my face and something is done that hurts me. Even then, I would choose to forgive again and try to push the incident to the back of my mind.

I think God knew that no matter how many times He showed me that I needed to be out of that relationship and that it was hindering His work in my life, I was not going to take the initiative to do anything about it.  I was going to stubbornly put it all on God and say that if HE wanted to change this man, HE would do it and the whole problem would be solved.

Well, God decided to do something all right.  He has removed this man from my life.  Ultimately it was my decision, but He led me to some discoveries that have hurt me beyond words can say and crossed the line on my forgiveness ability.  Not to say I won't forgive this man, but it will be from afar, where he is not in my life anymore.  God made it so there was no way I would ever go back to the life I was living with him and made me see the truth of my illusion.

Though I feel heart-broken, betrayed and a million other emotions, I also feel a sense of freedom and peace.  For one, the removal of this man from my life has taken away my sin with this man.  We were living in sin.  We were having premarital sex. Oh, and did I mention that he was not yet divorced, only separated for the last 2 & 1/2 years?  That's a lot of sinning going on.  Even while we were still together, these things weighed heavily on my mind and my spirit.  And many times God told me that I was tying His Hands when it came to working in my life.

My relationship with I Am was severely hindered in the fact that I could not openly express it with this person around because he didn't understand it and looked down on it.  I didn't listen to Christian music or broadcasts with him around.  I neglected going to church because he didn't want to go with me. I didn't spend time with Christian friends because he wouldn't feel comfortable with them.

Now I am free to do all that with no feelings of misplaced guilt!  Before I felt guilty both ways ... for wanting to do them when he didn't and for not doing them because of him. 

God has shown me that even though I had practically demanded that He change the man, what He had to do was remove the man to change ME.  Not exactly what I had in mind, but He knows the plans He has for me and they are to give me a future and a hope.  There was definitely no future or hope for the relationship I was in.

By going along with God's plans in this situation I am releasing Him to create for me a new beginning.  And that is what I so desperately needed all along!

What are YOU holding on to that God has instructed you to let go of??

I Am A Child Of God!

 

• I am a child of God.

But to all who have received him--those who believe in his name--he has given the right to become God's children … (John 1:12).

Wow. Have you ever actually sat and thought about that for just a second? Especially if you are a parent. I'm speaking to those of us who have already accepted the invitation to become God's Child. 

It's like this...  Imagine your own child. Your only child. Your perfect in every way child. You send him out to his first day of kindergarten and everyone is MEAN to him. But, he loves them anyway. He does everything he possibly can to make them like him back. But only a dozen or so really appreciate the qualities of this wonderful child of yours. Of course you LOVE those kids. They are welcome into your home, you feed them milk and cookies, you rent them the latest Disney video to watch on sleep-overs.  THEY are the ones you adore.

Now, years go by... your child is still an outsider. But, yet he still loves everyone and continues to do everything he can to help even the ones who ridicule him.  Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he loses his temper, but only rarely.  He prays for the ones who hurt him.

You watch his struggles but there is nothing you can do.  You cant MAKE people love this child that you adore. But, oh, how you wish you could.

One day, your child goes out hiking in the mountains with his friends. The ones he has had since childhood. And while there, the local gang members find him. They drag him away and torture him. Witnesses say that he never even fought back. He prayed for their forgiveness as he died.

Your precious child, the one you love, is gone.

The gang members are never caught, never charged for their crime. But, one by one, they come to you and apologize. They tell you they have seen the error of their ways and want you to forgive them.

Could you do that? Could you welcome into your home and family and give them the RIGHT to become your OWN CHILD? Could you LOVE them with as much love as you had the one that they put to death?

That's what God does for US!  No, we weren't there on the day that Jesus was crucified. But he still paid the price for our sins, didn't He? He did DIE for us, didn't He? And as Jesus' parent, GOD the Father offers US the right to become His Children!

I know my metaphor is not the best, but think about it.  We are now God's Children. I am His Daughter. He said so and He cannot lie! He is TRUTH.

How undeserving are we to be called the Children of God.  How Praiseworthy is HE to give us that right.

Father, I know that I am a sinner.  Even though I believe in You and love You, I still sin and fall short of the glory. I thank You for adopting me into Your family of believers and loving me with a love that surpasses all understanding. I thank You for the forgiveness of my sins and the strength to carry on when I still stumble. Please help me to show the same love and forgiveness to those who sin against me as You have shown to me. I praise Your Holy Name and thank You for hearing my every prayer.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

When you think about being a Child Of God, how does that make you feel?

Project 2: Prayers for Our Husband

I admit that I do not pray for JT as I should.  This has been weighing on my mind for the last few days and low and behold it is the second project for Fixing Your Heart On Titus 2.

In fact, during my shower last night, I was led to pray for him and his salvation.

Earlier, watching a live broadcast of an online church, I was reminded of what our unsaved loved ones will be subject to at the time of their physical death.   SCARY.

It all ties into this second week's project.

I'm all over it.

• Monday: His Work
• Tuesday: His Integrity
• Wednesday: His Mind
• Thursday: His Purpose
• Friday: His Health
• Saturday: His Protection
• Sunday: His Faith

Fixing Your Heart On Titus 2: Project 1 - Daily Bible Reading and Prayer

As part of my New Year's Goals, I am working hard at finding making more time to spend in The Word.  I also need to spend more time in prayer.  I don't know why I am finding it so hard to even get my thoughts organised to form a prayer. 

So, this week's project for Fixing Your Heart On Titus 2 is perfect for me.